@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

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@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@OrdinaryAlso

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

@outsidemagazine

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@Marlebean

Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”

@kcmoore51

11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.

The Twitter is strong in this one.

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.

@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@MrMildSauce

It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.