[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding