Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.