Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Camping tip: No.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.