I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Them: You鈥檙e too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I鈥檒l try to look more ugly
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Oh we鈥檝e met.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it鈥檚 been a hard year lol and then we just didn鈥檛 talk about it again
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we鈥檙e out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that鈥檚 not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don鈥檛 know what is
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.