Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever


After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.


My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird


society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week


Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.


Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.


I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.


With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!


me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking