Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*bites zombie*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself