@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

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@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

@_Water_Baby

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@jimmyfallon

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

@clichedout

society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@TheCiscoKidder

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.

@cuppajosh

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

@jazz_inmypants

me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking