@Thedudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

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@UncleDuke1969

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@KateWhineHall

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

@omgthatspunny

A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!

@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.