Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.