When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
10: 19 or 18?
A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!
*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*
Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.