[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sign of the day..
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “