Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
couldn’t resist
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying