@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

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@thepaulahunt

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

@rickkondell

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

@kimtopher22

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@AaronFullerton

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@AmishPornStar1

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

@doktorj

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

@WilliamRodgers

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude