My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
#Thanos #MondayMood
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Hamburger Hinderer.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you