@LipstickSpice
I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
@daemonic3
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
You Might Also Like
@LipstickSpice
@Sickayduh
Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
@RealJFairclough
If ur Twitter feed is toxic af here you have a refresh
@sophielou
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
@ASamorex
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
@OfficialMizGin
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
@MartaEffing
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
@kiralc
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
@NewDadNotes
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.