@Jay_FrickinLynn
Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.
Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus
@daemonic3
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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@Jay_FrickinLynn
@notthenanny
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
@JJSummertime
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
@Grafiksein
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
@chrisdowning
Seems a bit forward
@brandonIee
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
@iwearaonesie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
@erichwithach
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
@fillthevacuum
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
@tgilliland789
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.