I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
If ur Twitter feed is toxic af here you have a refresh
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.