Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
When they try to steal your moment.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants