Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

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Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]


Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.


Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now


you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is


[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now