@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

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@daemonic3

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

@RuthePhoenix

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@DocAroundThClok

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now