Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.