Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I don’t get marriage
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread