Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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Cake!!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I am a gravy boat captain
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too