Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working