This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.