I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
adding to the discourse
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.