HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.
Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
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god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…