Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her

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I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting


Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista


occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt


looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours


Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite


Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad


My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.

I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.


I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.