@online_shawn

Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her

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@dariatbh

I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting

@Darlainky

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

@django

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

@briancthayer

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad

@iGreenMonk

My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.

I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.