Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late


I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.


Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.


surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke


You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.


My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth


friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil


the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal


Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.