last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge