Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.