Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?