@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀

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@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

@E_lok44

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@nbadag

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident

@HeatherLuvsYou

I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they’re working.

I call it “cooking”