Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old