Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
A bold strategy
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?