Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?