@3sunzzz

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

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@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

@DanMentos

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@TheBoydP

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently