Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life


who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes


*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station


The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.


This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁


me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one


[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?


the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead


I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently