Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
You Might Also Like
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
That 👊
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry