@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

@usermcuserface

Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?

@SimplySnaccbar

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.