“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
-Canadian rap battle
After proposing to her and she says NO, what’s Next?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.