Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
You Might Also Like
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[montage of me giving-up]
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m ready for Halloween this year
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.