Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.