Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?