@sweetmomissa

Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.

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@causticbob

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

@Not_Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@thatdutchperson

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.