My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.