*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER