Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?