Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.