Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
You Might Also Like
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.