Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.
Conclusion: you are a statue
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore