Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

You Might Also Like


Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.


• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue


*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.


[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread


Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus


ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore