[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet