Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.