@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

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@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@BoomBoomBetty

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@dafloydsta

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

@adamgreattweet

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

@LlamaInaTux

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

@wildethingy

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.