[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Fiction has to make sense.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.