My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Coming to theatres this summer…
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in