{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one