@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

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@daemonic3

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@aimlessamers

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

@sarahcpr

Why am I *already* watching the news like I have no clue how to pace myself

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

@myboots111

Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.