[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
You Might Also Like
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away