[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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6. me as a lawyer
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
They did not miss in the small print
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.