@BlindChow

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

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@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@KateWhineHall

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

@omically

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!