Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.
1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
“that’s orion’s belt”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!