[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
You Might Also Like
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Damn he played himself
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what