My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.
Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”
ME: Ok great
*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.