Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My position on marijuana is slumped in a beanbag chair.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶