@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

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@leechee420

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@girlontapas

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@OarackBobamaa

Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶