Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Just so funny
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help