People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
This is amazing.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.