@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

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@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

@pinupteacher

Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.

@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again