I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
You Might Also Like
Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it…
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.