last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
This fish is cracking me up
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.