“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!
-Me to my scale as I step off of it
Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.
Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again