Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

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6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!

Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet


howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow


I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.


*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*


I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.


My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight


Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.


[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?


If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer


Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.