6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!
Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.
[my brain going to party]
general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?
social anxiety: what if they don’t?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.