Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
selfie game
Boating season is upon us.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?